My first post here. I was hoping for some advice.
Me and my sister are in a sticky situation...
My dad is in the north east and guess what, has dementia! He still lives at home and his former girlfriend, Tracy, cares for him. She makes his meals, bathes him, puts him to bed and gets him when he goes out and gets lost. He can't really do anything for himself anymore. You can still talk to him but he talks 75% nonsense. They still have an ok time together, though. They watch tv together, go for walks, etc.
Problem is Tracy can't be there from when he gets up to when he goes to bed every day. She has her own life and friends and family. She feels trapped and needs 20 hours a week "off" (1 full day and three four hour periods). Me and my sister both live and work in London.
We recently tried to introduce a carer. Basically my dad was fine the first day but next day had a huge tantrum, stormed off, got lost, starting swearing at her, etc. We had to stop the carer coming back because he was ranting and raving so much.
Now the neighbours in the streets around my dad are getting worried because he just wanders about and if they talk to him he speaks nonsense. He's no harm and is not at risk. You can basically just let him wander for half an hour then go find him. He never goes far. But they don't realise this. One recently 'reported' him to Age Uk and another one called the police this morning saying he was 'at risk'.
So now we're stuck. Tracy is feeling suffocated, like she can't leave him alone anymore. Yet my dad is likely to totally kick off in another carer is introduced. He is totally selfish. He has the mind of a 3 year old. He doesn't understand much anymore and just thinks the world should revolve around him. He regards Tracy as almost a slave and tells her that it's "her job" to look after him and she is "being selfish" for not being there. Pretty monstrous. He is living in a world of denial. I don't think he even admits he has Alzys anymore. I'm not sure he even understands what the carer was there for. The thing he does understand though is tantrums and rages.
So what can we do? My sister is the only one who holds any real sway with him (he regards Tracy as a slave and he has always had weird issues with me) so she is taking the rest of this week off work to go up and try and be there and get him to accept a carer.
But she has her own life, her own job. She can only take a week off. It's all we have. If he doesn't accept a carer then what happens? We think we have little option but to "put him in a home".
Which of course he would go psychotic about so he would have to be forced into one. I'm sorry to even have to type 'forced' but it is true. He cannot look after himself, if he can't accept care at home then he has to go into care. And he will probably have to be tranquilized out of his mind the first month as well. Lovely.
Does anyone have any advice for this situation? Also does anyone have any links to resources or previous posts about the whole "forcing into a home" unpleasantness.
Any help appreciated,
Regards,
John
